I was child when I realized my mother was mentally ill and that I was on my own to figure out this world.
What brought this story to my attention is that I can clearly see now that I have attachment issues, I intend to heal. My daughter is the age I was when I recognized my mother could go out of her mind and be dangerous to herself and was unable to keep me safe. After that everything in life became so surreal. A few years later, at 14 years old, I decided that it was best for me to leave my parents home.
A few decades later, one of the things I know deeply, is that my mother loves me. And her unfortunate genetic disposition with mental health has given me a rich understanding, about the lack of control any of us have over the human condition. Everyone is doing their best, based on their ability to understand we all operate with different perceptions. Perceptions can be changed once we shift the lens we look through mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Each of us have lived stories that we create and were given. The powerful notion that you can change your life by changing your thinking is real as air. You got to breath and you got to change your thought habits to shift your perceptions.
My mother could not control her mind and lived as a slave to her fears and inability to focus. Our home was always dirty and I learned to not eat my mother’s cooking. Then there was my dad…he had a temper like a wounded dog very defensive and reactive. Old fashioned in her beliefs, my mother allowed my father to be abusive mentally and physically to all of us. Not once did she ever stop him from hitting me or saying cruel words. Now I realize she could not speak up because her mental health trapped her.
Managing a home and family is impossible for someone with mental health issues. I forgive my mother for not taking care of me the way I needed her to. And I believe I can heal my trust issues one choice at a time. My daughter is my biggest inspiration to heal in order to not pass on patterns of mistrust. As her mother I am teaching one powerful version of what it means to be a woman. I’m so grateful to say, I love being woman and a mother.
Growing up so fast and determined to never let anyone hurt me by being fiercely independent has served me mostly well until now. Now I am divorced and a mother of one amazing brilliant child. Triggers to hidden places/memories and behaviors, are being pulled as I learn to be the mother my precious child needs me to be. Also, I am a beautiful woman who desires connection with a companion, my daughter wishes this for me too. It’s been eight years since divorce and being a single mother. Recently, I have fallen in love with an incredible man who is pulling all my triggers of vulnerability and its okay, because I can feel that it’s time to meet these places inside I was hurt. That brave strong little girl inside me needs to know it was really difficult for her to be so courages, and I am proud of her.
With the help of so many friends I have come to realize I am good mother and friend. My companion is teaching me how to be vulnerable and not do everything on my own. I am learning to let myself be loved just as I am. The years of carrying around things I never wanted to look at again so I hid them are over. So are the years of doing everything alone, we all struggle and need to be loved, supported, and given compassion for the misunderstandings we communicate. Today I am enough and there is nobody who can take away the love I have for myself.
The answers I need, to the questions that come up, always arrive eventually, and the best I can do is present. Something my mother could not do, but boy, she taught me the importance of being here in this day and this moment and to give my loving attention to what really matters.
The most loving people are the most forgiving people. I cannot ask my dead father to say he is sorry for hurting my mother and me. Nor can my mother ever be sorry for her inability to properly care for me, she did her best as she suffered extreme mental illness. I can forgive myself for not speaking up about what happened in my home as a child, I was scared then. All these years I was scared to tell anyone what I had experienced in my home, I still am. But I will because I know, it’s time to release these stories to heal and lighten up. Also, somewhere in this world someone needs this story in order to heal their life too.
So I hope this helps you. Please let me know any questions you have about this post. I will write the story of the moment I knew my mother was mentally ill very soon. Also…I promise to site more of the authors and folks who inspire me and guide me. I will share a song that is just so powerful by Audry Day called Amen. Hope you get a listen! Thanks for reading, may you be loved.
