V-Day… if I am honest, here is what the past loves of my life reflect about me.
First off, I don’t endorse ANY American Commercialized Holidays, not one. Every day is worthy of celebration just because we are alive.
Okay, here goes a little story about me that I hope helps you in some way.
If I count all the men I have seriously romantically partnered with since I started doing that about 27 years ago, I’m 43, it’s eight men total. For 11 of those years I was married, I am no longer married. In fact, this is my ninth year of being divorced. In the last five years I have partnered with three men, each monagamously. I had four relationships before my marriage between the ages of 16–23. I have been single for almost a year, the Pandemic has made that very simple. HA! Anyway what do all these men have in common that I have fallen in love with for periods of time?
These men share the gift of incredible intelligence, some unique skill, the need for lots of creative space, well spoken, funny, kind, tall (minus two of the guys), and private. I have been attracted to mysterious men with some communications deficiencies. I know it’s common for men and women to have different expression tools, it’s part of the attraction for us. Right?!
But I FINALLY realized that I was choosing men who trigger a response in me to not ask directly what I waned to know or understand, when I felt like it might be upsetting or uncomforable for them. So I let myself begin to feel in doubt of my place in my relationships.
These men never understood how to use their intuition as I use mine in relationships. And as a result, they could never feel my internal discomforts that ended each relationship I have had. You see, I was not able to ask for the reassurance that I needed in any one of my relationships. If I am honest, I lacked the courage to give myself what I needed, which was and is the freedom to be exactly who I am. To be me and be loved for just who I am, now.
You see I always look at life and other people’s lives as works in progress.
My goals and ambitions are what have saved me since I was a child. I used my imagination to dream of a better life than the one I had as child, surviving verbal and physical abuse at home as well as the bullies in school and church. As a child, it was my dream to grow up and be an artist that changes the world in positive ways. The first time I heard Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. speech, “I have a Dream”, I knew that my life would be different than the one my parents had known and shared with me. The right and liberty to pursue a happy life and NOW is the time, was engraved into me with Dr. King Jr. words. Now how does this relate to what I have learned about myself and my romantic partners?
It took me years and decades to learn just how much healing I had to do in order to give myself permission to ask for the kind of love and communication I require to feel my best. Instead of always trying to be pleasing or tough/detached in my relationships. It’s possible that all the men I have dated had their own lessons they learned through me. Many of these men and I are still friends or aquaintances, a few are enimies.
I am single now, and reflecting on what I will do better and different when I meet my special guy. You see, when we decide that we are going to do the work to know ourselves and demand the dignity and respect we deserve, life changes. In the wisdom of Dr. King Jr. — we must build our dreams and never forget we are worthy of what we commit to. And then do the work required for achieving success.
I am grateful for ALL the men who have loved me and shared parts of their lives with me. They have helped me become who I am today, a wise strong beautiful woman. I will never allow myself to be silent when I need to ask questions in an important relationship. I realize I am ending a cycle that has been in my family line for generations, internalized lack of self worth. This cycle is over and done. I hope I don’t stay single forever… I need to try out my knew knowledge and practice good loving.
The Universe knows just who and when I will meet this incredible lucky man!
Happy Valentines Day 2021 Pandemic Style! May you feel loved!
