It’s almost Spring, its been a year since my child has been not living with me. Life has felt like a train ran me over and I am alive, only not completely here. My heart aches through the night and days and I am reminded of her absence everywhere I go. Months have passed that I was grateful for the Pandemic, because I did not have to see or speak with anyone, unless it was for work. I cannot describe the sadness I have known from missing my child, it’s beyond words. But I know this, she is alive, she will grow up, and I will be here for her when she returns to me with open arms and love.

I set myself timer to write this, to share some of my experience with you, because the truth is, I wish this was not apart of my story. And writing is painful. You see I divorced a man I could not trust after we had a baby together. His behaviors were unusual and not anything I expected. It feels like another life now, and it is. Of the many lessons I have learned from this situation, I will share one big lesson for me.

Speak up quickly if something is not feeling right in your life, ask for guidance from friends and community members asap.

I can recall feeling so paralyzed for months after my daughter was born. I chalked it up to being a new mother and I walked, sang, saw my doctor, and got support to take really good care of my precious baby. But the feeling of not trusting my then husband grew and grew. Finally we did see a marriage councilor who said by the time you get to therapy most marriages are already too far gone in damage too save. I suppose she was right. In five short months later, I filed for divorce. That was in 2012.

Since then my child’s father has remarried and now has two more babies and our 11 year old daughter. To say our situation has been complicated is not enough when you are dealing with a narcissist. Which he is and demonstrates perfectly with his actions. (I’ll write about that another time.)

You see, most divorced parents that I know, put the care of the child first, and their disappointments from the failed relationship aside. Not in my case. He has made all communication with him impossible unless its through an attorney. This can really wear a person down when you have a highly sensitive child as we do. It wore me down to struggle with communication with him and helping our child feel heard, understood, and respected. And managing the crazy increases in the cost of living that have not matched the cost of living for most working single parents. His solution, was to take our child in full custody. How did he achieved that…hiring attorneys who profit from making lots and lots of paper work in the courts and abuse the Law.

Sadly, very sadly, this situation is not uncommon. In fact, I hear stories of people who know someone just like me weekly. I have been told stories of mothers who committed suicide after the loss of their child in a custody battle. Its heart breaking in the deepest level aside from death to have your child taken form you.

Today I received the only letter my daughter has written to me since all this went down. She wrote me to tell me she does not want to see me or talk to me. It’s been months since my daughter has called or texted me, why the letter?I’m guessing she was encouraged to write it. I wrote her a card and have birthday presents from January that her father will not allow me to deliver.

I broke down from all the pressure of the stress in my life while dealing with my daughter a few times. I am told that parents breakdown and this is part of teaching our children about being humans. My daughter has not been able to learn this about being human, yet. Stress happens and we must learn from those moments and chapters of our lives. We must also find compassion for ourselves and for others when we breakdown.

My reaction to stress has always been to do things that give me joy and purpose instead of dwelling on things you cannot control. These last few years had me speechless and unable to say and share what I was experiencing. Powerless. Not anymore, I found my voice again. Only, I am wiser, unafraid, and I love myself like never before. No, I am not a perfect human, but I am good one. I will tell my story in order to heal, grow, and transform myself. One day my daughter will grow up and see life differently. Until then, my focus is to achieve a personal revolution by practicing new habits, new routines, and releasing EVERYTHING that does not serve me well.

In this blog, I will continue to share the stories of what actually happened that led to the demise of my marriage, lessons I have learned being a survivor of all sorts of abuse, and the sweetness I know that life truly is despite all the pain and misery. I hope you find inspiration.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Truth is powerful, and it prevails. -Sojouner Truth